I will miss you, 815

It's starting to hit me that in less than a week I'll be done with my freshman year of college. I honestly can't believe it sometimes. Which is stupid because obviously this is what happens in life; time passes by, events happen and then they're over. But you never really realize this until something is actually ending.

Being the over-emotional person I am, the sentimentality of it all is starting to hit me right in the feels lately. There have been some tears already, not gonna lie.

I'm going to miss a lot of things.

I'm going to miss ranting to my roommate all the time. Doing that is probably what kept me sane for most of this year. She was always just really understanding and had down-to-earth advice that always helped me.

I'm going to miss living in a dorm, as much as I might deny it later. I like being nearby people. Next year I'm scared that I'll feel somewhat isolated.

It just freaks me out that this is my last time being a "freshman" even though that is not a term that usually has a positive connotation. I just really hate experiencing an "end" to things. I don't like thinking that this part of my life is over.

This is the only time I'll ever live in a dorm (at least as far as I know), and for some reason that really strikes me. This is the experience I'll tell my kids, etc. about. It seriously just went by so fast. What did I even do?

My roommate already has a bunch of her stuff packed away, and this combined with the general feeling of "things being over" has really made me start to have that panicky/anxious feeling in my stomach. I dislike change.

Of course I'm looking forward to the summer, seeing my friends, and experiencing all the fun stuff that will happen in the next couple months. More than anything I want to lay on my patio with a glass of lemonade and a good book.

But still, I have gotten strangely attached to this ugly little dorm room. It is cute, in it's own little way. Not really anything very awesome happened in here, per se, but it was my home for all these months. There are really a lot of memories attached to it. I don't want to leave. 

I will miss you, 815.

25 Lessons Learned From My Freshman Year

Just some stuff I've been thinking about for a while and wanted to write down before I got "too busy." Hopefully they can be applied to realistic situations besides just my self-centered life. ;)

Some (actually most) may be on the cliche side, but cliches exist because they're true, right?

Also, I'm not even sure if the word "lesson" is appropriate. Maybe just "thoughts"? Who knows.

Anyway:

1) Step out of your comfort zone right away (whatever that means to you.)

2) Comparing yourself to other people/situations won't get you anywhere. JUST DON'T WORRY ABOUT IT. :)

3) Don't feel pressure to fit in with a certain type of group.

4) Just because other people say something is right or wrong doesn't mean you should believe them.

5) Don't stress about majors or careers. Just do what you like and things will likely fall into place.

6) Try to keep up with stuff you enjoyed in high school.

7) Mistakes really are learning experiences.

8) Don't ever hide what you're feeling.

9) People who really care about you will support you no matter what stupid stuff you do.

10) It's really pointless to judge people you don't know.

11) You'll never let go of something if you keep reinforcing it.

12) It's really hard to define what it means to be a "nice" person.

13) Though actions don't always speak louder than words, they really should.

14) Don't regret anything! Things happen, whether they are good or bad, but in the end everything will have a reason. (At least that's what I like to think.)

15) Getting a C is not that big of a deal.

16) As difficult as it is, try to "be the bigger person."

17) Take advantage of those 10 minute walks to class where you can just listen to music and be in your own world.

18) You should never have to prove your worth to anyone.

19) Don't blame yourself; everything that happens is a result of many factors.

20) No one is perfect.

21) Trust your family and friends' advice. Sometimes they know what's best for you more than you do.

22) Don't let people patronize you about what God wants from you.

23) If you want to keep in touch with your high school friends, make the effort.

24) Buy a reliable umbrella, not the cute one for $5.

25) There are a lot of changes. You change, your friends change, ideals change. But I think those changes aren't necessarily bad, and they're important. If you don't experience change, how will you ever grow? Just saying. :)

...And that's about it. Just my opinions. :)

I Think. A Lot. Here's Why.

So I've been thinking a lot lately (as per usual), trying to "figure stuff out" about my life. This usually leads to dramatic and probably false conclusions about "what stuff means," and I often just end up overanalyzing the same situation all over again anyway.

Therefore I guess it could be said that it's only a hindrance to over-think things like this, but it's not like I can help it, anyway. 

So I'm just gonna be honest here in this blog post. It will be inherently emotional because that's how I am. Just warnin' ya.

Let's just start with the fact that I had an awesome high school experience that I'm not ashamed to admit to. Senior year especially was one of the best years of my life. I had an amazing final marching band season, I was able to do the fall play, I got the lead role in the spring musical, I finally was in choir and show choir, I loved a strong majority of my classes, and I was generally able to form and solidify friendships that I know I'll have for life. It was the perfect year, to be completely honest - no conflicts, problems, heartbreaks, any of that. It was great.

I figured I'd be the last person to have struggles doing the "transition" into college life. I had a bunch of different types of people as friends in high school. I didn't think I was limited to one type of social group. When I got to Madison, though, I realized that there were basically (maybe over-generalizing, but still) two types of social groups: the group of people that only wanted to party, and the group that didn't want to at all. It was a struggle to find people in the middle of that for me. Maybe it was the dorm I was placed in, or maybe it was just me making things difficult for myself like I usually do. But it's been a frustrating struggle to actually do what I want to do as I feel limited with the types of people around me (generally.)

This is not the only factor, though. Obviously there's in-between people, despite the fact that this school is rather divided in that sense. It was more difficult than I thought to get involved with things I loved to do in high school. Maybe this sounds cheesy and puts me into the dreaded category of people who "Had Their Best Years in High School," but that was the time of life where opportunities to do EVERYTHING were really the most plentiful. Maybe it was the school I chose; going to a state school with tens of thousands of students makes spots for highly-competitive, performance-based activities that I like very limited. Plus, it's basically that you have to just choose one or two at most. I didn't want to do marching band because, while I loved it in high school, I didn't want my college experience limited to that. The theatre program at Madison limits its performances mostly to theatre majors and doesn't even perform that many musicals which is what I would enjoy most anyway. I have gotten involved in some things and there are good chances that I'll be able to experience more performing activities next year, but still, I think coming into this year I expected MORE opportunities at such a big university.

It is also important to note that I met all my best friends through clubs, etc. in high school. Literally the first people that pop into my head, though we mostly met through classes first, became my best friends through band or drama. I'm not used to forming friendships based on partying or going out together; call it bad social skills, but it's just always been natural for me to form bonds with people who already have those solid common interests that I do. Think of it like a relationship; yeah, people are attracted to a lot of other people, but the relationships that are easiest to maintain are ones where two people have common interests. You want to be friends with the person you're in a relationship with. Hello. The best friendships are also made like this.

It's also natural for me to be a Debbie Downer, though, which probably just heightens my awareness of the things wrong in my life. I guess generally those things are easiest for most people to spot. What they don't like or wish they could change. The problem is that I focus on those elements so much that it makes me crazy sometimes. I wish I could be a carefree, happy person all the time. When I see these people, I automatically assume they have untainted lives with no background problems, and I'm jealous of them. That's just wrong, though. I mean, yeah, maybe their problems aren't super intense, but everybody does have their issues. It's just hard for me to recognize that very often, so I complain in my head, "Why does all of this happen to me? Haven't I had enough?" Of course I'm not just referring to my nomadic lifestyle this year, but to things in my past as well. The way I justify this year sometimes is, "Well, I had such a great year last year, it makes sense that I've been making awful decisions and going in wrong directions recently." I think that's the only way I can explain it. I really have made an effort, at least in my mind, to make right of things this year, and for the most part, things have been fine. Like I said, I focus on the negative stuff WAY too much. It's annoying, but I just am a person that experiences the most emotion while upset, not happy. I wish I could be different, and maybe I will be at some point. I mean, I wouldn't think of myself as a pessimistic person; I always do hope for the best in things. It's just that when something goes wrong, I beat myself up about it and wonder what I did wrong. That's been the struggle this year, what with all the new changes and whatnot.

I don't think I'm looking for advice per se, and I know other people have felt this way at times in life, but it's nice knowing that I'm not just being a complete freak about things and that these concerns are valid. Am I worrying about nothing?

I was going to talk about how I don't know what I'm DOING with my life, career-wise, but that's a whole thing in itself, I think. Haha.

Anyway. I realize that was an extremely long rant. Who knows who will actually get through reading it.

Not really sure how I'd summarize this post; it was really just a lot of endless thoughts. I don't know. I'll leave it at that.

:)

Why I'll Be an English Major

After years of contemplating my interests -do I like psychology? politics? theatre?-, I have come to the conclusion that only one subject has truly been consistent: writing. And no, not like writing essays. People always think that, and it's annoying. I like writing to express myself, not to regurgitate what someone else's thoughts are/were, though that is a necessary aspect of collegiate life.

Nope. I like writing, just to write.

And although, like the rest of my contemporaries, I've been pondering this for years, the notion of "You have so much time!" is really not the case anymore. My major should ideally be declared by the end of next year, so it seems unrealistic to still be in Completely-Undecided-ville. I know what I like to do, it's just that it's a socially unacceptable interest.

There are a few things that have influenced my sureness of becoming an English (likely Creative Writing emphasis) major.

A good friend of mine gave me permission to share what she put on Facebook a few days ago. It literally describes how I feel PERFECTLY and kind of was impeccable timing. It was exactly what I needed to read, and here it is for the benefit of whoever else:

"When a parent asks what a child wants to be, possibly the worst answer they can get (aside from fashion model or movie star) is a writer. The parent will do everything they can to sway their offspring from that world. They will say things like, "Oh sweetie, writers make no money. You want to make money, don't you?" Most children are fascinated with the idea of money, so this revelation will immediately put the thought out of their malleable little minds.
However, to some children, this doesn't matter. They will protest and argue, whining about how J.K. Rowling has lots of money. So the parents will try and push them in a more sensible direction. "Why not write for a newspaper, or a magazine?" Since many little girls and boys would love to babble on about sports, murders, and 10 ways to do your hair that will make him drool, this offer will often knock down the last of the writing hopefuls.
But, very seldom, there is a child who does not care about money, and who does not want to babble on about sports, murders, and 10 ways to do your hair that will make him drool. Sometimes, there is a child who wants nothing more than to write about things that do not exist. They live in a world of fantasy where their friends are centaurs and their teachers invent time machines. They have a typewriter in their head that turns every spoken word into living text. They pick words they like based on how pretty they look or how strangely they roll off the tongue. These children will not be like other children. They will be labeled as "odd", but they will not care because their noses will be buried in books, or pressed close to a ratty journal.
They will grow up to be odd adults, and be much less sociable than others because there will be days when they have too many words in their heads and some of them simply must be written down. They will smoke ridiculous amounts of cigarettes (or stand out in the freezing cold to see their breath) because watching the swirling, erratic patterns of the smoke helps them think. They will drink obscene amounts of vodka with orange juice (or sometimes cranberry) because to write about someone being drunk, they must first experience it themselves. They will cry and scream and tear out their hair when a character gasps their last, because in a way they just killed their best friend.
These are the children condemned to life in a world they create. They will be different, and they will do weird things like stand in the rain for hours to see what it would be like to kiss in it, or run through the woods in the dark to feel the rush of being chased by a homicidal ex-husband. These are the children who tell stories so well because they understand everyone else's feelings better than their own. They are the best comforters, the best confidants, and the least judgmental, because they know that worse things can be done. These are not merely the writers. These are the novelists."

Not only is it remarkably well-written (though I'm  not surprised - she's awesome), it addresses key problems that have been on my mind regarding a writing-related major. People DO always tell me, "Well, if you like to write, just do something with journalism. Then you can work for a newspaper." This might sound stubborn, but I don't want to work for a newspaper. Not really, anyway. If I got a job at one, would I turn it down? Probably not. But I know my passion does not lie in news, politics or advertising, which are all strongly associated with a journalism major.

There is the truth, though, that UW-Madison has an excellent journalism program, but it is competitive, and the application process seems really daunting, even more so when I'm not sure if it's the correct path for me. Then again, the idea of "being accepted" is somewhat of a challenge to me, and I think it would look more impressive on a resume than just a standard B.A. in English. 

So there's that.

But then this video has been circulating on Facebook as well:

This is pretty validating to me, too. No, I will likely never be all that successful if I major in English with Creative Writing, but I do at least have the chance to become an expert at something I love to do.

It's really a tough decision for me. If only I liked science or math. I know it seems selfish to "waste my time" on a degree like this when I could use my intelligence in other areas to better benefit society. I guess if I wanted to, I could become a nurse or a health specialist of some kind. But I know I'd always be thinking "what if" and regretting my life choices.

Hey, I might regret this one too. But I have to at least try it.

I'm not a good blogger.

But I'll try to fix that at this moment.

So last night (and, erm, this morning) I wrote my final paper for the semester. Thank God I'm done with those. I've come to the conclusion that I could not be an English Literature major because if my entire degree focused on analyzing fictional texts, I would probably fall into a state of extreme sadness and/or  a premature midlife crisis. (A mid-midlife crisis?)

So now I just focus on studying for finals, I guess. But we all know I'll procrastinate.

So what's been on my mind lately?

Last night I had a conversation with a friend, and right now I have the strong urge to rant about it.

(I will keep this friend anonymous because I'm pretty sure what they shared was private, and I don't want to embarrass them or anything.)

So this friend - a very thin, healthy friend - told me that they feel they must start dieting and working out more. Normally, this makes sense. It's something I definitely need to start doing, for one.

However.

The reason this friend wants to start improving their appearance is to impress their significant other.

Again, reasonable.

BUT.

It doesn't seem to be a mutual effort; my friend just feels bad because their significant other does not seem to appreciate my friend's appearance as it is, so this friend feels insecure and like they have to change themselves just to focus their partner's (awkward word) attention back to them.

Personally, I just feel like it's wrong to want to change yourself because your boyfriend or girlfriend isn't appreciating you.

Yes, of course you'll always find other people attractive, and blah blah blah all of that.

But if you tell them, "HEY, Significant Other, the way you always talk about/look at pictures of/compare me to other attractive people makes me feel very insecure, and I want to know why I can't be enough for you," and they continue to emotionally abuse you, then that does not seem okay.

I realize I overanalyze and over-think these things, but when someone I care about feels unloved, it just makes me angry.

Sorry about the rant.

On another note, I just have to mention:

I got THE MOST AMAZING care package from my aunt/uncle (godparents.) Barb, you are the best. I mean look at this:

Though it is filled with delicious chocolatey goodness (lots of Ghiradelli) that will only make me obese, it completely made my month, basically.

I really have to get going on actual work though, so I feel like I have incentive/deserve to eat all of the chocolate I got.

Kind of a pointless post. But oh well :)

P.S. I'm really bad at sending "thank yous" to all who send me things in the mail: packages, cards, whatever. But I really appreciate it all. It is so nice to know I'm being thought of! <3

Random updates?

Ah! I feel like I haven't written anything in forever... (so I decide to begin this with a cliche hyperbole, I guess.)

Honestly sometimes I wonder what I am even doing with my time. For example, I was reading something for a class and somehow ended up here... granted, that did allow me to see a super cute video of little Hugh Roeder crawling :)

I also realized that the way I write is not necessarily the way I speak. I think I'm a lot more sarcastic when I write/in my head. Probably why people think I'm super shy or lack a personality... not that anyone's actually said that. I just assume because I'm weird like that.

I feel like a lot of school-related things are going to overwhelm me very soon... I have a research presentation/paper due in a few weeks (actually right after Thanksgiving break,) and a film review paper due around the same time. Bad planning on my part. I probably should have picked a presentation that wasn't due the same time everything else was. Plus I still need to actually watch the documentaries for the film thing. We had to choose from a list. I chose:

-The American Ruling Class
-Growing Up Female
-Rich Media, Poor Democracy

And we had to pick a last one either from the list or one of our own choosing... so I picked "Aileen Wuornos: The Selling of a Serial Killer."

I think all of those should relate pretty well. If you're interested, you should watch and then we can have fun conversations regarding all of America's problems.

I feel like this post just discusses boring/minute details of my academic life. But that pretty much is all my life consists of right now, so I guess it makes sense.

I'm excited for this presidential/senatorial/all other level-ial election process to be over Tuesday. Everything annoys me. I realize that sounds pessimistic. It's just mildly sickening that our country isn't even really voting for someone to "run our country" anymore (did we ever?), but for who is the most charming and "relatable" (none of them are) candidate.

Even though I'm a million years (hyperbole again) late with this trend, I just think this is an amazing song:

No, I don't agree with all the statements in the song. I think it highly generalizes the "right-wing conservatives" and Christians. I'm Catholic and I think gay marriage is ok. Shocking, right?

But still. Good message.

Haha, I have so many opinions, though. Another reason why politics is such a problem. People take all issues so PERSONALLY, that when you express an objecting idea, you're not just stating a different perspective but are personally insulting them/their family/whoever.

The question is, will there be a job for me in 4 years?

Now I'm just getting annoyed again. Happy thoughts!

I got to go home this weekend and see the high school's play. It was so cute and entertaining. I really miss theatre. And yes, I try to get involved with things. It's just difficult at a school with like 40,000 people.

Hopefully I can branch out more as I solidify my "place" here.

But before any of that happens, I should probably actually get work done. Back to reading long poems!

Have a delightful Monday :)

Monday morning-ish thoughts

As usual, I'm just sitting here contemplating my life. 

I decided I need to start writing more.

I wrote a poem last night, but it was really late, so it was ramble-y.

I'm definitely more of a fiction person.

My idea college major would be English with a Creative Writing emphasis.

However, a small part of me feels like I could do "more" than that.

Like, if I really wanted to, I feel like I have the "brains" (I guess) to go to med school or something.

I don't want to waste my "skills" on a major that it feels like a lot of slackers pick.

Also, everyone seems to criticize it, but if you say "I'm majoring in Journalism," people somehow think that's more prestigious.

(When, actually, they probably won't find a good job either if they don't try really hard.)

I realize it's not all about the major.

But studying abroad/finding an internship this early is not very possible.

Also, people say, "Do fun stuff your first year and join clubs!"

Yeah, well the stuff I actually like (theatre/vocal stuff) is really competitive unless you're a major in music or theatre. Or if you're an upperclassman.

I am doing one dance thing, and that's cool, but it's not like I'm fully satisfied with that.

Still, it's not like high school where there's so many easily accessible clubs.

So, yeah. If you're one of my high school pals reading this... enjoy those clubs while you have them! Especially if you plan on going to a big university.

Also, how much time do people think I have? (Well, I am being a hypocrite right now by blogging. I have like 150+ pages to read for a novel that I'm clearly not doing.)

On a side note, it's really annoying too not knowing what grades I'm getting. Again, not like high school where every assignment's grade is at your fingertips.

I guess I'll find out eventually?

OK, some positive things:

I got to see friends this weekend since I went home for State marching band competition.

I miss feeling comfortable around people! It was nice to actually be able to act like a weirdo and laugh at stupid stuff... and not just over Skype.

Also, here's a life lesson from a bathroom stall. (Who takes pics like this? Creepy people like myself.)

I even Instagrammed it.

Haha, maybe I could start a whole new blog about life lessons from bathroom stalls. That would be so amusing.

Anyway, back to reading.

Happy Monday!

(Sort of?)