So I've been thinking a lot lately (as per usual), trying to "figure stuff out" about my life. This usually leads to dramatic and probably false conclusions about "what stuff means," and I often just end up overanalyzing the same situation all over again anyway.
Therefore I guess it could be said that it's only a hindrance to over-think things like this, but it's not like I can help it, anyway.
So I'm just gonna be honest here in this blog post. It will be inherently emotional because that's how I am. Just warnin' ya.
Let's just start with the fact that I had an awesome high school experience that I'm not ashamed to admit to. Senior year especially was one of the best years of my life. I had an amazing final marching band season, I was able to do the fall play, I got the lead role in the spring musical, I finally was in choir and show choir, I loved a strong majority of my classes, and I was generally able to form and solidify friendships that I know I'll have for life. It was the perfect year, to be completely honest - no conflicts, problems, heartbreaks, any of that. It was great.
I figured I'd be the last person to have struggles doing the "transition" into college life. I had a bunch of different types of people as friends in high school. I didn't think I was limited to one type of social group. When I got to Madison, though, I realized that there were basically (maybe over-generalizing, but still) two types of social groups: the group of people that only wanted to party, and the group that didn't want to at all. It was a struggle to find people in the middle of that for me. Maybe it was the dorm I was placed in, or maybe it was just me making things difficult for myself like I usually do. But it's been a frustrating struggle to actually do what I want to do as I feel limited with the types of people around me (generally.)
This is not the only factor, though. Obviously there's in-between people, despite the fact that this school is rather divided in that sense. It was more difficult than I thought to get involved with things I loved to do in high school. Maybe this sounds cheesy and puts me into the dreaded category of people who "Had Their Best Years in High School," but that was the time of life where opportunities to do EVERYTHING were really the most plentiful. Maybe it was the school I chose; going to a state school with tens of thousands of students makes spots for highly-competitive, performance-based activities that I like very limited. Plus, it's basically that you have to just choose one or two at most. I didn't want to do marching band because, while I loved it in high school, I didn't want my college experience limited to that. The theatre program at Madison limits its performances mostly to theatre majors and doesn't even perform that many musicals which is what I would enjoy most anyway. I have gotten involved in some things and there are good chances that I'll be able to experience more performing activities next year, but still, I think coming into this year I expected MORE opportunities at such a big university.
It is also important to note that I met all my best friends through clubs, etc. in high school. Literally the first people that pop into my head, though we mostly met through classes first, became my best friends through band or drama. I'm not used to forming friendships based on partying or going out together; call it bad social skills, but it's just always been natural for me to form bonds with people who already have those solid common interests that I do. Think of it like a relationship; yeah, people are attracted to a lot of other people, but the relationships that are easiest to maintain are ones where two people have common interests. You want to be friends with the person you're in a relationship with. Hello. The best friendships are also made like this.
It's also natural for me to be a Debbie Downer, though, which probably just heightens my awareness of the things wrong in my life. I guess generally those things are easiest for most people to spot. What they don't like or wish they could change. The problem is that I focus on those elements so much that it makes me crazy sometimes. I wish I could be a carefree, happy person all the time. When I see these people, I automatically assume they have untainted lives with no background problems, and I'm jealous of them. That's just wrong, though. I mean, yeah, maybe their problems aren't super intense, but everybody does have their issues. It's just hard for me to recognize that very often, so I complain in my head, "Why does all of this happen to me? Haven't I had enough?" Of course I'm not just referring to my nomadic lifestyle this year, but to things in my past as well. The way I justify this year sometimes is, "Well, I had such a great year last year, it makes sense that I've been making awful decisions and going in wrong directions recently." I think that's the only way I can explain it. I really have made an effort, at least in my mind, to make right of things this year, and for the most part, things have been fine. Like I said, I focus on the negative stuff WAY too much. It's annoying, but I just am a person that experiences the most emotion while upset, not happy. I wish I could be different, and maybe I will be at some point. I mean, I wouldn't think of myself as a pessimistic person; I always do hope for the best in things. It's just that when something goes wrong, I beat myself up about it and wonder what I did wrong. That's been the struggle this year, what with all the new changes and whatnot.
I don't think I'm looking for advice per se, and I know other people have felt this way at times in life, but it's nice knowing that I'm not just being a complete freak about things and that these concerns are valid. Am I worrying about nothing?
I was going to talk about how I don't know what I'm DOING with my life, career-wise, but that's a whole thing in itself, I think. Haha.
Anyway. I realize that was an extremely long rant. Who knows who will actually get through reading it.
Not really sure how I'd summarize this post; it was really just a lot of endless thoughts. I don't know. I'll leave it at that.
:)
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